Creative in connection

At the beginning of this new year I have determined to get creative in the way that I connect with others. Yes there are my familiar others. Family, friends, those at the school gate  and work colleagues. However, I want to meet people that I wouldn’t naturally meet. Those who are very different to me.  I have considered my interests and my skills and realise there are courses and groups out there for these purposes. However, I’m wondering more about connecting with others from different walks of life and maybe even from different parts of the world. I want to reach out and discover another way of looking , another perspective.

As some of you may know I have experience of living in South America. Living so closely alongside those from a different culture changed me, for the better, especially once I got back home. Back home I found myself questioning why I did what I did culturally. I had a period of time rethinking my values and repositioning myself….This reorientation to living actually has an official title. Reverse culture shock. It was indeed a shock. It really shook me up coming back home. Much more than moving out to South America to live. It was tough going coming back home but like I say life changing.

I feel like that time has come again but I don’t necessarily need to move. With the internet I can be connected immediately to someone on the other side of the world. I’ve been wondering a lot about how to reach out and be reached internationally.

I believe we do sometimes need to get creative in order to engage in the richness of connection we so deeply desire. It isn’t necessarily just there under our noses. Sometimes we have to go off on a search. It may be for you that just connecting with someone from a different town or different part of the UK is sufficient for this purpose. It may be like me that connecting much further afield will be necessary. I just wonder whether in this year of 2025 we could all extend ourselves in some way? Does connection need to look the same this year? What could we all do in order to reach out and be reached? Let’s be dreamers of the day.

January 2025

Helplines vs community living?

It’s that time of year when lists of helpful phone numbers are doing the rounds on Facebook in case there is anyone out there going through a hard time……Whilst helpful to have access to these professionals help lines, I do wonder whether those posting might also flag the importance of community too?

Worryingly within our culture we have got too accustomed to simply signposting others onto professionals, rather than ourselves getting too directly involved. We all live such busy lives after all. It takes a few seconds to post a list of numbers out there on social media. A conscience cleared. Job done.

That’s not to say that there isn’t a time and place for professional expertise. Of course there is. However, we are all equally important in terms of our human connectedness in relieving suffering, bringing comfort, facilitating joy, inspiring purpose and fostering belonging in others. Regardless of our age, our roles and our responsibilities we need one another to thrive in this life.

Of course, there is uncertainty around how much time might be needed if we ourselves were to reach out. We have our own family responsibilities after all and there never seems to be enough hours in the day to connect with ourselves, never mind our friends. Maintaining healthy boundaries has been a very helpful exit strategy communicated culturally up until now. I have to admit that I myself have used this as my defence over the years, in order to remain within my familiar, known network. Sometimes it just seems easier to simply retreat rather than to engage. However, where does this leave us in terms of community living? Does this mean we can only connect in with others on a professional basis now? Do we feel comfortable ourselves knowing that if we were in real, genuine need ever that all we would have on offer were some professional helplines?

I don’t believe this is what genuine community is. We are selling ourselves short. Was community living really meant to be just about my own family of birth and my chosen friends? If this is the case who was meant to check in on and do life with those on our periphery, who are also part of our community? Just because they are less known does this mean they have less value to us? What about checking in on the gentleman you know was widowed last year? What about popping by and offering some practical help to the single parent who lives on your street? How about offering some babysitting to those parents who desperately just need a breather right now? How about offering to do a shop for someone? How about offering a cup of coffee to a stranger?  What about inviting someone who is alone this Christmas to join you at your family table? Let’s not make assumptions or immediately withdraw in the name of boundaries.

At the moment this kind of connection might be described as radical hospitality but it could just be normal if each of us started challenging the cultural beliefs and norms that have exacerbated isolation and a lack of belonging. Let’s reposition ourselves. We are all connected after all. We are better together. Let’s step out of what is familiar, common place within our culture and engage in genuine community living. Let’s model to those around us that it is possible to reset cultural norms and expectations. I’m not saying that this will be easy but it will be worth it for the sake of our fellow travellers.

Community living isn’t meant to be a job that we do. 9-5 Monday to Fridays. Term time only. It requires us resolving to remain open and engaged to whatever possible openings come our way. Maybe it also requires a different way of looking too?

Many years ago I was part of an online community called Generous. Sadly it doesn’t seem to exist anymore. I have tried to track it down. Whoever thought it up was a genius! It was a community that encouraged you to reach out in all kinds of ways to genuinely connect with others outside of your own circles.  There were regular ideas presented that the community could pledge to do too. How about we create our own generous community? Are you in?

Yes it’s nearly Christmas. Please don’t close your doors…..

                                          Louise Michelle Bombèr – December 2024

Included ?

What to do if you cannot maintain eye contact or you cannot think up chit chat? How do you manage the school gates, the parties, the events? Where do you stand and where do you look? Just a couple of the many dynamics that some in our society have to navigate day in day out. Should some remain isolated just because they live or see the world differently to the majority?

Inclusion for me isn’t another one size fits all but a genuine interest in and a learning of another fellow human being. A unique human being. A curiosity about who this person is and what makes them who they are. A journey to be travelled together. Finding the touchpoints where we can connect, and we usually can.

I believe that there are so many rich treasures to be discovered when we take time out of our busy schedules to truly understand one another, especially amongst those who are different to us. Often wisdom is stumbled upon as we consider what it is to be human and as we re-learn how to relate to one another.

Sometimes it can feel awkward. Maybe that’s why many of us shy away? But the temporary awkwardness is so worth it if long lasting friendships are made. We all function best in the context of relationship. Why should anyone be left out?

However, alternative ways of connecting  don’t always fit in with societal expectations. Tragically society can pull us off in the opposite direction. Fear is often the driver behind relational withdrawal. Relational distance seems to have sadly remained, despite us no longer being directed to be physically distanced in social bubbles. A legacy perhaps of a global pandemic?

What might it take to not exclude anymore, to move outside of our familiar, our known family and friends? To embrace our differences. To communicate a shared humanity. What or who has to change?

Louise Michelle Bombèr

The expiry dates

As an adoptive parent I have noted how many people have come and gone in my children’s lives to date. I have witnessed the confusion, the pain, the sadness around their disappearances. There have been the ones who have left without any goodbyes and the ones who have said see you later or again but never returned. Many don’t seem to hold much regard for permanency and yet it matters to them and it matters to me.

Each unique heart print leaving an impression. An encounter with possibility stirs up hope. It can unlock the fragile beginnings of vulnerability and the rumblings of trust but can sadly sometimes end in a defensive position. Blocked trust. This dynamic initiated my thinking about how temporary many adult relationships can also seem to be in our lives, especially here in the West.

We can sometimes be in relationships with others who seem to simply take what they can in the moment and then move on. This can raise questions to us about our value and worth when it seems as if we have reached our expiry date. No wonder so many of us have trust issues!

We do not seem to appreciate how much courage is sometimes required to let another in.  For some they have learned to mask their way through relationships in order to make it through the day. For others there may have been so many intimacy betrayals that now defences have become rock solid and it is clear something is wrong. Why would someone choose to risk relationship again if they have been wounded in relationship?

Things are not always the way they may seem especially if we don’t stick around long enough to dig deeper. There are many in our midst trying to carry on living but who carry a broken heart. An invisible backpack to others. What we have lived through the vehicle of relationship matters. What sense we have made of each and every relationship matters.

We don’t always know the journey someone has travelled to get to us so let’s be full of grace, not making assumptions about inflexibilities or an inappropriateness. Not being so easily shocked as we often are. Let’s instead be intentional about remaining open and engaged. And let’s stick around. No more expiry dates.

Yes we may need to put in boundaries. Boundaries are healthy within our relationships with one another. But I do wonder if boundaries should be used as an excuse for a lazy way of relating when the going gets tough?  Of course, I’m not referring to those essential boundaries when there have been or there is the potential risk of harm. I’m referring to that time when we start to spot our differences and maybe life would be simpler without them. We weren’t meant to be the same. Let’s remember our shared humanity. And continue to share it. Our lives enriched by one another.

Let’s remain. Let’s be steady in our resolve to honour and protect our relationships with all those who come our way, even if they are different to us. Let’s do all we can to stay open and engaged, really listening to the other, hand in hand with kindness, not hijacked in a defensive position. People not projects. It is not good for any of us to be alone in this world. Permanency matters. I myself am challenged again to remain.

Louise Michelle Bombèr - September 2024

The safety of a family

What does family mean to you? I hope it means safety, security and stability. I hope you know what it means to belong and to be accepted just for being you, not for what you do or what you bring but for just being ‘you’. A unique and valuable human ‘being’. Tragically though not all of us have this lived experience. This need might well be hidden right now but deep down in all of us is there is that profound desire to be seen, truly known and understood. Some of us have just not yet found our way to the table. Or even noticed a space to take up at the table. Some of us have not been welcomed. Some of us have been blocked. Some of us have not even been noticed. Some of us have been shunned. Some of us have had others take up our place….  

Since the pandemic I have observed a closing in. How bubbles we were told to create seem to have continued on despite our apparent freedoms. One of the significant costs of having lived through a season of fear. Fear always seems to linger on when it has been in the mix. The unwelcome guest that can drive so much of what happens, often without us ever even noticing.

It is not good for any of us to be alone. We are designed for dependency but even that can be frowned upon these days. Rather than dependency being seen as a necessary foundational building block developmentally, whatever our age, it is instead often seen as unhealthy.  Something to be avoided. Relationships can sometimes be abruptly ended in the name of co-dependency when actually the effort, the hard work of living together has dissipated and just cannot be challenged any further. Connection wasn’t ever intended to be easy but offered us a rich tapestry of togetherness and separateness that would grow us and develop us. But this is only possible when love is the driver, not fear. Fear confuses. Fear separates. Fear divides. Love is the glue that supports us all to thrive. It is not a mere sentimentality but a powerful force to be reckoned with. And love always wins.

In a society where family is often viewed as unobtainable how can we ensure that we all leave a space at our table? Radical hospitality is a must right now in terms of our community’s mental health and well being. Who might be on the periphery right now? Who might need to be included?  Who could we extend ‘family’ to? We could save a whole generation if this became our responsibility, our priority. We are interconnected after all…… The safety of a family.

Louise Michelle Bomber – August 2024

The kaleidoscope of meaning

How do others see you? How do you see yourself? If you have experienced relational trauma the reflection often creates an illusion, not only to others but to ourselves. It is so easy to become defined by lived experiences and much harder to engage in the integration work that is so necessary in order for identity recovery. You see it can take a long time. Here in the West time is never an option.  Or so it seems.

Trauma shatters. There are many jaggard pieces in the mix. But each piece has vibrant colour.  No wonder it is often hard to connect with others. Sometimes the colour is too bright. Or too bold. Maybe the brightness blinds us?  Maybe we get hurt by the sharp edges? Maybe we collide with one another and create even more broken pieces? Maybe we just don’t want to risk ever being hurt again? Whatever happens the result seems to be further relational isolation. And yet we know deep down that relationships have the potential to also heal.

Why do we continue to allow trauma to speak out our identity. Whatever gave trauma this right? Who ever allowed it centre stage? Trauma can not and must not have the final say. Am I really only the sum of broken pieces? Am I really only who I think I am or who others say I am? Who is brave enough to engage in this relational wasteland? To shout enough is enough.  Who is bold enough to call out what is merely an illusion? Who is willing to be part of true community, all of community, not just together with the familiar and the known? To recognise that sometimes the picture only becomes clear the longer we sit alongside. It comes with a new perspective. It comes in the use of a new lens. The true picture emerges in the process. The kaleidoscope of meaning.

But who do you say I am?

Louise Michelle Bombèr – July 2024

Being with

Living in the West can be lonely. Lonely especially when you are on the receiving end of relational trauma. Others can seem so preoccupied with their own busy lives. Rushing about from one engagement to the next, flicking through phone diaries too busy to see you this week but maybe a month from now when life might not be so busy…and so it goes on. The merry go round of busy.

Oblivious to the subtle changes in you. But you know. You don’t recognise yourself anymore. You sense yourself becoming smaller, more distant, even out of reach. The lack of sleep, the weight gain or loss, the extra hours at the office or the inability to get out of bed. Words tinged with a sadness, that carry an unspoken grief. The tears you blink away in the name of dust or the wind. The false smile that seems necessary to navigate the days ahead.

Many of us continue on in functional freeze because we have to. To pay the bills. To parent the children. To hold onto that treasured job that cost us so much even if it costs us all we have left now. We find a way to survive though a deep ache rages inside.

If only others could truly be with. Stop long enough to notice. Bodies find it hard to lie. To be seen by another human being, truly seen even by just one is a gift to those of us on this recovery journey. Quality moments where others show up and are physically and emotionally present. This ‘being with’ then becomes the gateway to genuine connection. A togetherness that brings healing simply by ‘being’.

One by one we have the potential to contribute to the mental health and well being of our nation. One by one we could be that life line. Being with. It doesn’t sound much. It doesn’t seem much. But connection is powerful and changes lives. Let’s not ever under estimate ‘being with’ one another. Slowing down enough to be present.

Louise Michelle Bombèr is a specialist teacher and therapist working in trauma recovery. She is the founder of TouchBase, an organisation that supports all those impacted by trauma. She longs for a community whereby all are truly included, sharing life with others who have different lived experiences of relationships. She is passionate about lifting society’s blindness to relational poverty.

Louise Michelle Bombèr – June 2024

Lost in relational poverty

When you have experienced relational trauma in your early childhood and you learned through lived experience pseudo independence who/what is your reference point? How do you know how to make relationships with others, how to nourish them, how to maintain them, how to deal with conflict, how to celebrate and strengthen them? And most importantly how do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? How do you know the warning signals?

There is so much that needs learning within rich relational experience that can’t be lived simply by reading a book, going on a course or being taught what you should or shouldn’t do.

I’m not sure society realises this as relational poverty. In fact not only are many assumptions and judgements made when struggles become public but many do not see it as their responsibility to remain involved or even to view themselves as part of the solution.  

Many of us become lost, lost in relational poverty. We know we need relationship. We sense that they have the potential to be life giving but what to do when really you are lost? Lost in relational poverty, with no way of being freed up until others take the initiative, reach out and do life together alongside and truly with us. Not as mere observers but as fellow travellers.

Society often talks about the vicious cycles people fall into with contempt as if others bring this on themselves. Do they? Or are they merely doing the best they can with what they have? With what they have lived. After all aren’t we a culmination of all our lived experiences?

I’m deeply grieved when I consider all that has often been lost in childhood and then how much is often lost again at a later stage. Those who have been wounded deeply already often become wounded once again. And often again and again. And the trauma cycle continues on.

I do wonder a lot nowadays about what true community really looks like especially in the West, whereby we seem to have lost our way relationally. If only we were less interested in the I and more interested in the we would those of us who have become lost in relational poverty have the possibility of being found and the intergenerational abuse cycles being broken once and for all?

However, this is not easy as those of us wounded often have sharp edges to begin with. Many keep a distance due to an unfamiliarity, due to discomfort, due to an awkwardness, not realising that these edges could actually benefit them too. There is much to be learned relationally in attachment but first we must realise that the cycle can’t be broken by individuals, but within community, in the dance of togetherness and separateness.

Louise Michelle Bombèr is a specialist teacher and therapist working in trauma recovery. She is the founder of TouchBase, an organisation that supports all those impacted by trauma. She longs for a community whereby all are truly included, sharing life with others who have different lived experiences of relationships. She is passionate about lifting society’s blindness to relational poverty.

Louise Michelle Bombèr – May 2024