The safety of a family

What does family mean to you? I hope it means safety, security and stability. I hope you know what it means to belong and to be accepted just for being you, not for what you do or what you bring but for just being ‘you’. A unique and valuable human ‘being’. Tragically though not all of us have this lived experience. This need might well be hidden right now but deep down in all of us is there is that profound desire to be seen, truly known and understood. Some of us have just not yet found our way to the table. Or even noticed a space to take up at the table. Some of us have not been welcomed. Some of us have been blocked. Some of us have not even been noticed. Some of us have been shunned. Some of us have had others take up our place….  

Since the pandemic I have observed a closing in. How bubbles we were told to create seem to have continued on despite our apparent freedoms. One of the significant costs of having lived through a season of fear. Fear always seems to linger on when it has been in the mix. The unwelcome guest that can drive so much of what happens, often without us ever even noticing.

It is not good for any of us to be alone. We are designed for dependency but even that can be frowned upon these days. Rather than dependency being seen as a necessary foundational building block developmentally, whatever our age, it is instead often seen as unhealthy.  Something to be avoided. Relationships can sometimes be abruptly ended in the name of co-dependency when actually the effort, the hard work of living together has dissipated and just cannot be challenged any further. Connection wasn’t ever intended to be easy but offered us a rich tapestry of togetherness and separateness that would grow us and develop us. But this is only possible when love is the driver, not fear. Fear confuses. Fear separates. Fear divides. Love is the glue that supports us all to thrive. It is not a mere sentimentality but a powerful force to be reckoned with. And love always wins.

In a society where family is often viewed as unobtainable how can we ensure that we all leave a space at our table? Radical hospitality is a must right now in terms of our community’s mental health and well being. Who might be on the periphery right now? Who might need to be included?  Who could we extend ‘family’ to? We could save a whole generation if this became our responsibility, our priority. We are interconnected after all…… The safety of a family.

Louise Michelle Bomber – August 2024

The kaleidoscope of meaning

How do others see you? How do you see yourself? If you have experienced relational trauma the reflection often creates an illusion, not only to others but to ourselves. It is so easy to become defined by lived experiences and much harder to engage in the integration work that is so necessary in order for identity recovery. You see it can take a long time. Here in the West time is never an option.  Or so it seems.

Trauma shatters. There are many jaggard pieces in the mix. But each piece has vibrant colour.  No wonder it is often hard to connect with others. Sometimes the colour is too bright. Or too bold. Maybe the brightness blinds us?  Maybe we get hurt by the sharp edges? Maybe we collide with one another and create even more broken pieces? Maybe we just don’t want to risk ever being hurt again? Whatever happens the result seems to be further relational isolation. And yet we know deep down that relationships have the potential to also heal.

Why do we continue to allow trauma to speak out our identity. Whatever gave trauma this right? Who ever allowed it centre stage? Trauma can not and must not have the final say. Am I really only the sum of broken pieces? Am I really only who I think I am or who others say I am? Who is brave enough to engage in this relational wasteland? To shout enough is enough.  Who is bold enough to call out what is merely an illusion? Who is willing to be part of true community, all of community, not just together with the familiar and the known? To recognise that sometimes the picture only becomes clear the longer we sit alongside. It comes with a new perspective. It comes in the use of a new lens. The true picture emerges in the process. The kaleidoscope of meaning.

But who do you say I am?

Louise Michelle Bombèr – July 2024

Being with

Living in the West can be lonely. Lonely especially when you are on the receiving end of relational trauma. Others can seem so preoccupied with their own busy lives. Rushing about from one engagement to the next, flicking through phone diaries too busy to see you this week but maybe a month from now when life might not be so busy…and so it goes on. The merry go round of busy.

Oblivious to the subtle changes in you. But you know. You don’t recognise yourself anymore. You sense yourself becoming smaller, more distant, even out of reach. The lack of sleep, the weight gain or loss, the extra hours at the office or the inability to get out of bed. Words tinged with a sadness, that carry an unspoken grief. The tears you blink away in the name of dust or the wind. The false smile that seems necessary to navigate the days ahead.

Many of us continue on in functional freeze because we have to. To pay the bills. To parent the children. To hold onto that treasured job that cost us so much even if it costs us all we have left now. We find a way to survive though a deep ache rages inside.

If only others could truly be with. Stop long enough to notice. Bodies find it hard to lie. To be seen by another human being, truly seen even by just one is a gift to those of us on this recovery journey. Quality moments where others show up and are physically and emotionally present. This ‘being with’ then becomes the gateway to genuine connection. A togetherness that brings healing simply by ‘being’.

One by one we have the potential to contribute to the mental health and well being of our nation. One by one we could be that life line. Being with. It doesn’t sound much. It doesn’t seem much. But connection is powerful and changes lives. Let’s not ever under estimate ‘being with’ one another. Slowing down enough to be present.

Louise Michelle Bombèr is a specialist teacher and therapist working in trauma recovery. She is the founder of TouchBase, an organisation that supports all those impacted by trauma. She longs for a community whereby all are truly included, sharing life with others who have different lived experiences of relationships. She is passionate about lifting society’s blindness to relational poverty.

Louise Michelle Bombèr – June 2024

Lost in relational poverty

When you have experienced relational trauma in your early childhood and you learned through lived experience pseudo independence who/what is your reference point? How do you know how to make relationships with others, how to nourish them, how to maintain them, how to deal with conflict, how to celebrate and strengthen them? And most importantly how do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? How do you know the warning signals?

There is so much that needs learning within rich relational experience that can’t be lived simply by reading a book, going on a course or being taught what you should or shouldn’t do.

I’m not sure society realises this as relational poverty. In fact not only are many assumptions and judgements made when struggles become public but many do not see it as their responsibility to remain involved or even to view themselves as part of the solution.  

Many of us become lost, lost in relational poverty. We know we need relationship. We sense that they have the potential to be life giving but what to do when really you are lost? Lost in relational poverty, with no way of being freed up until others take the initiative, reach out and do life together alongside and truly with us. Not as mere observers but as fellow travellers.

Society often talks about the vicious cycles people fall into with contempt as if others bring this on themselves. Do they? Or are they merely doing the best they can with what they have? With what they have lived. After all aren’t we a culmination of all our lived experiences?

I’m deeply grieved when I consider all that has often been lost in childhood and then how much is often lost again at a later stage. Those who have been wounded deeply already often become wounded once again. And often again and again. And the trauma cycle continues on.

I do wonder a lot nowadays about what true community really looks like especially in the West, whereby we seem to have lost our way relationally. If only we were less interested in the I and more interested in the we would those of us who have become lost in relational poverty have the possibility of being found and the intergenerational abuse cycles being broken once and for all?

However, this is not easy as those of us wounded often have sharp edges to begin with. Many keep a distance due to an unfamiliarity, due to discomfort, due to an awkwardness, not realising that these edges could actually benefit them too. There is much to be learned relationally in attachment but first we must realise that the cycle can’t be broken by individuals, but within community, in the dance of togetherness and separateness.

Louise Michelle Bombèr is a specialist teacher and therapist working in trauma recovery. She is the founder of TouchBase, an organisation that supports all those impacted by trauma. She longs for a community whereby all are truly included, sharing life with others who have different lived experiences of relationships. She is passionate about lifting society’s blindness to relational poverty.

Louise Michelle Bombèr – May 2024