The expiry dates
As an adoptive parent I have noted how many people have come and gone in my children’s lives to date. I have witnessed the confusion, the pain, the sadness around their disappearances. There have been the ones who have left without any goodbyes and the ones who have said see you later or again but never returned. Many don’t seem to hold much regard for permanency and yet it matters to them and it matters to me.
Each unique heart print leaving an impression. An encounter with possibility stirs up hope. It can unlock the fragile beginnings of vulnerability and the rumblings of trust but can sadly sometimes end in a defensive position. Blocked trust. This dynamic initiated my thinking about how temporary many adult relationships can also seem to be in our lives, especially here in the West.
We can sometimes be in relationships with others who seem to simply take what they can in the moment and then move on. This can raise questions to us about our value and worth when it seems as if we have reached our expiry date. No wonder so many of us have trust issues!
We do not seem to appreciate how much courage is sometimes required to let another in. For some they have learned to mask their way through relationships in order to make it through the day. For others there may have been so many intimacy betrayals that now defences have become rock solid and it is clear something is wrong. Why would someone choose to risk relationship again if they have been wounded in relationship?
Things are not always the way they may seem especially if we don’t stick around long enough to dig deeper. There are many in our midst trying to carry on living but who carry a broken heart. An invisible backpack to others. What we have lived through the vehicle of relationship matters. What sense we have made of each and every relationship matters.
We don’t always know the journey someone has travelled to get to us so let’s be full of grace, not making assumptions about inflexibilities or an inappropriateness. Not being so easily shocked as we often are. Let’s instead be intentional about remaining open and engaged. And let’s stick around. No more expiry dates.
Yes we may need to put in boundaries. Boundaries are healthy within our relationships with one another. But I do wonder if boundaries should be used as an excuse for a lazy way of relating when the going gets tough? Of course, I’m not referring to those essential boundaries when there have been or there is the potential risk of harm. I’m referring to that time when we start to spot our differences and maybe life would be simpler without them. We weren’t meant to be the same. Let’s remember our shared humanity. And continue to share it. Our lives enriched by one another.
Let’s remain. Let’s be steady in our resolve to honour and protect our relationships with all those who come our way, even if they are different to us. Let’s do all we can to stay open and engaged, really listening to the other, hand in hand with kindness, not hijacked in a defensive position. People not projects. It is not good for any of us to be alone in this world. Permanency matters. I myself am challenged again to remain.
Louise Michelle Bombèr - September 2024